When people experience harm, sometimes they do not feel like themselves anymore. After you experienced harm in healthcare you might have thought “I am not myself anymore,” or “this has changed me and I will never be myself again.” It is common to feel this way. But is it completely true?
We are going to start this section with a reflection. I want you to think back to the last meal that you ate. Think back to some of the specifics of this situation. You can think about what you ate, where you were, or who you were with. See if you can put yourself back there. Remember what you were experiencing, your thoughts, and what it felt like to be there.
I want you to notice that you were there then, and you are here now. The you that was there then, the you noticing all the things that you were noticing, is the same you remembering that experience now.
Through the years, you have changed so much. For example, your body is not the same body you had when you were a child. You might have scars and wrinkles. When you looked in the mirror as a child, your reflection was very different than it is today. The you who could notice your reflection then is the same you that notices your reflection today.
Your feelings and sensations constantly change. Sometimes you feel happy, and sometimes you feel sad. You may feel healthy, sick, stressed, or relaxed at different times throughout your life. The part of you that notices your feelings does not change.
In another section, we talked about creating space between ourselves and our thoughts. That self – that is the self that has remained the same, and will remain the same, throughout your life. Whatever has happened or will happen, whatever thoughts or feelings you have that come and go, you are you, and will remain you.
Sometimes it makes sense to listen to our thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it does not. It all comes down to flexibility. So how do we know when to listen to our thoughts and feelings, focus on the here and now, or do something different? We listen to our values, and let values be our guide.
So, let us go back to our bus metaphor. Your life is a bus, and you are the driver. You choose the direction you want to drive your bus – the directions you choose are your values. Your bus is full of passengers, some pleasant and some unpleasant – these are like your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it makes sense to listen to them, and sometimes it does not; it all depends on whether they are helping you drive the direction you want to go.
Sometimes you might hit a roadblock. You likely have thoughts and feelings about the roadblock. Your thoughts and feelings, like all the passengers on your bus, are parts of your experiences and not problems to be solved. Willingness to have them, though, helps you figure out how to deal with the roadblock, which is a problem to be solved. It all comes down to allowing space in your life for the things you cannot control and taking control of what you do, taking steps consistent with your values. When you do not know whether something is in your control, you try things out. Your experience tells you whether what you are trying is helping you get where you want to go.