I will share a story about my experience because it illustrates what I want to discuss today. Hopefully, this story helps and makes sense.
Ten years ago, I went from being completely able-bodied to having several neurological disabilities, which happened overnight. Right away, I was determined to recover and return to my normal activities of running, hiking, and long walks. The problem was that I kept failing, and when I could not do something the way I used to, I just did not do it at all. For example, I could not walk very well and ended up being stuck at home a lot. A physical therapist suggested that a mobility scooter might help me a lot. Still, I had images of people who ride scooters, which did not fit my idea of myself, so I said no way. After two years, I started to realize that my disability was permanent. I still could not walk very well and got my mobility scooter. It allowed me to do so much individually that I could not do without it. I also felt extremely embarrassed and unsure about using the scooter. The freedom and the shame I felt were both true.
This example demonstrates a core component of what we have talked about. The willingness to have your own experiences and to let them be true. Willingness is about focusing on what is instead of what if.
It is not about accepting everything that has happened. We do not have to say that these things are okay or good. It is not about judging things at all. Willingness is about saying, “this happened to me,” or “this is part of my life,” and it is real. It is acknowledging what has happened and allowing space for the emotions that came with that.
Willingness is accepting the fact that things are how they are. It is about validating your experiences as real. It, most importantly, is about embracing all of them, the pleasant and the unpleasant.
So, let us go back to the bus metaphor. You want to drive east. You are taking the scenic route driving along a back road. After many hours, you come to a rockslide that blocks the road. You check your map, and driving for several hours backwards is the only way to get around it. You do not want to do this. You have a direction and goal, and backtracking does not fit your plan. So, you try everything you can to keep going forward. You try to push the rocks with the front of the bus, and they do not budge. You try to drive your bus around the rockslide, but there is a cliff on one side and a steep drop on the other. You get out of the bus and start moving the rocks, but many are so big and heavy that you cannot lift them. You are stuck. What do you do?
You must accept the unpleasant fact that you must backtrack to get out of this situation. Otherwise, you will remain stuck.
When we have trouble being willing, we may make “if” statements. “If I did not have a disability, then I would enjoy time outside.” “If this had not happened to me, then I would be happy.”
Let us look at one of these examples.
If we look at the first part, “I have a disability.” This is not good or bad; it simply is. It is a fact, and willingness allows us to recognize that as something that is real.
Now let us focus on the second part “I would enjoy time outside.”
We can see that this identifies something that this person finds important or values. You can reflect on what you need to be willing to experience to be the person you want to be.
I am willing to experience emotional discomfort so that I can spend more time outside.
What do you need to be willing to experience to be the person you want to be?