When you have been harmed in healthcare, there are many possibilities for things you might need. Some people might find it helpful to talk to close family or friends. Others might talk about it publicly, for example, on social media or the news. Some might seek support from the same healthcare institution that caused the harm and still others may file a complaint with that institution. After harm, some may need to process grief or anger or focus on helping other patients.
There is not one right answer, and there are many ways to proceed.
So, the question then is, what do you do? What is the way forward for you?
The first step involves figuring out what is important to you: your values. When I say values, I do not mean things people have told you are valuable. I also do not mean things society says are important. I mean the things that you really and genuinely care about. The things that you want your life to be about.
Let’s do an exercise together to show what I mean.
Imagine that your life is a bus, and you are the driver. Our values are like the direction the bus is travelling, like south or east. You may be able to get to a destination but not a direction. Your direction takes you places.
Let us say your values pull you to go east, so you start driving. You arrive in Winnipeg and stay there for a while. Then you get to Toronto and spend some time there. In your life bus, when you come to a place, it is like reaching one of your goals. Then when you finish that goal, you can keep going east. You keep driving your bus, and you get to the east coast of Canada. Then you move your bus onto a boat and keep going across the ocean. Then you drive across Europe and Asia and get on another boat that takes you back to North America. You just keep moving east. No matter how long you go east, you will never get there, but you are pulled to keep going in that direction.
That is how values work. They guide your life, help you decide what to do, and identify meaningful things in your life. A value could be honesty, love, community, joy, hard work, kindness, or family. It can be anything that you care about.
But identifying our values is not always easy. So, here are a few things you can try.
Think about situations that have been very painful to you, for example when you were harmed in healthcare. You might have felt sad, angry, disgusted, or afraid. Our emotional pain is equal to how much we care about something. It is like two sides of the same coin. On one side is the pain, and on the flip side is the thing you value so much. What was missing in that situation? Certainty? Respect? Attention to detail? Whatever it was, that is something you value.
Here is another one: imagine you are at your eightieth birthday party. Imagine that you have lived your life in a way that is meaningful to you. All the people who matter to you come to your birthday party, and since this is all in your imagination, anyone can be there even if it isn’t realistic. Imagine what they will say about you. Remember, in this exercise, you have become the person you want to be and have lived your life how you wanted to live. At your eightieth birthday party, looking back on this life, what will others say about you? What will you say about yourself?
What we want others to say about us can reflect what is most important to us. Were you described as a caring sibling? A dear friend? An advocate for your community? Reflecting on things you want people to say at your eightieth birthday party may help you clarify what things are important to you. I like this quote from Yogi Berra: “If you don’t know where you are going, you might not get there.” Before deciding what is best for you to do, you must understand what is important to you. Once you feel solid about this, you can move to the next step.